Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
