The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
