At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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