remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
