Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
