On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
