Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
