The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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