I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
