I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
