i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
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He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
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REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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