every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
