Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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