just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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