my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
