one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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