Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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