I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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