someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
