Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
