you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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