I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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