a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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