I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
