Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
