There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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