I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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