watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
