im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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