i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
