Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
