I don't usually arrange sex via text message
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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