they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
