Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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