Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
