I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
