don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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