Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
