i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
