i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
