Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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