I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
