You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
