Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
