I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
