Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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