Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
