after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
