i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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