when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
