RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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