I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
